Saw American Sniper this afternoon at an IMAX. A funny thing happened at the end of the movie — nothing. The people, and it was an older crowd, some wearing service ball caps, sat through the credits and said nothing. Then they got up and left. There was none of the usual, “That’s was great,” or “that sucked.” People just left. In fact, we left, got in my friend’s truck and were pulling out of the parking lot before my wife asked what we thought of the movie. I think Clint Eastwood and Bradley Cooper should win Oscars. The movie was extremely well done. The comaraderie among the troopers seemed natural and genuine. It was also disturbing. Not in a Michael Moore sort of way. He’s a freekin’ idiot. Chris Kyle was a hero and Moore should recognize that. Kyle saved a lot of lives both over there and back here. It’s too bad that in the end he couldn’t save his own.
Gov. Mike Pence (R-Indiana) was on his way to starting a state-run news agency until the media began pointing out that turning Gary into a gulag had to be next. (Maybe not such a bad idea. Gary — not the news agency.) Sources say the governor had not settled on a name for the agency, but was leaning toward Tass with Pravda a close second.
Hey there Slickster fans, both of you, enjoying the new year so far? Yeah, me too, Boko Harem are slaughtering entire towns in Nigeria, and a brand new Congress was sworn in, though most of them really should be committed.
I’ve been hanging out in the kitchen while Slappy has his new feature, on the burner, simmering away. While waiting for some of that shit soufflé to be dished out, I’ve been following the tragedy in France as it unfolded and reached resolution. I really didn’t think I’d be addressing these events because, I find it hard to bring my inner smart ass to what was visited upon the staff of Charlie Hebdo.
HOWEVER, Salman Rushdie has pointed out, nay, drug them out, Team Moral Equivalence, or in his terms, “The ‘but’ Brigade.” Led by team captain Papa Frank, current leader of the Iron Age cult of Rome, who seems to have missed the point entirely,
“If my good friend Dr. Gasparri says a curse word against my mother, he can expect a punch,” Francis said, throwing a pretend punch his way. “It’s normal. You cannot provoke. You cannot insult the faith of others. You cannot make fun of the faith of others.”
My sweet Irish ass Frank! There is a guy in Kentucky that thinks Jesus rode a goddamn Velociraptor, and he is currently building an Ark, yeah, The Ark! I reserve the right, actually the Bill of Rights grants it to me implicitly, to mock his shambling intellectually bereft beliefs, without being killed!
There are so many people who speak badly about religions or other religions, who make fun of them, who make a game out of the religions of others,” he said. “They are provocateurs. And what happens to them is what would happen to Dr. Gasparri if he says a curse word against my mother. There is a limit.”
No Frank, there is no limit, in a free society, to the scorn that can be heaped upon your belief system, or any belief system. By the way, did I read that right “…there is a limit”? Does that limit lead to, 12 dead, in the conference room, with two AK-47s, by religious fanatics? Because that’s a hardcore game of Clue you’ve got going there, have you spoken to your boss about this, did he sign off on this? Inquiring minds…get back to us.
Getting back to Rushdie, have I mentioned he knows a thing or ten thousand about death threats, he asks what politically correct satire would look like? My first thought was, “anything that comes out of Sarah Palin’s mouth”, I may be confusing that with irony, I’m new to this word stuff. Anyway, Rushdie’s question is rhetorical, satire could not exist in Papa Frank’s world, and the fact that Sarah Palin lives in ours is something Papa Frank’s boss should have to explain, were it possible.
Yeah, we have been slackers. We have been lazy. It’s not that we haven’t been paying attention, it’s just that the holidays means way too much pie is available to lock in on the dumbassery.
(That Kate Upton on a horse commercial was also a bit distracting.)
But Mitch McConnell brought us back to reality with his recent line of garbagio. The Penguin said the country’s economical upswing was due to the public’s confidence that Republicans are now running things.
A real knee slapper, that one.
I could go on an on, but it’s better to get on with this. Sam Damon is waiting in the wings with a new feature. We’re calling it “OK (reluctantly).”
Sam will drop some quick hitters on us which will show the humor and stupidity of The Penguin and his cohorts. Now that they have the majority in both chambers, there are far more targets of opportunity than before.
If you like what we do, please tell your friends about us. Tell them to sign up for notifications and chime in on our topics.
We’d like your support. We’re not asking for money, but pie would be cool.
Ok, the year is coming to a close and I haven’t posted anything in so long Slappy is checking me for a pulse. Let’s see what has happened since we were together last.
The Senate released the Torture porn report, where we finally got a good look at just what had been done in our name to some admittedly bad actors. However, bad actors though they may have been, we, yes I said we, because the mouth-breathing uber fascists that thought this was ok were put in office by us, chose that moment to forever lay to rest the myth of our inherent exceptionalism. While the otherwise journalistically unemployable excuses for humans at Fox cried “Treason!”, Senator Mark Udall (D- Righteous), (click this link god damn it, it’s important to see what we’ve lost) prepares to leave office because the good citizens of Colorado choose to embrace their inner idiot at the voting booth.
What else, oh yeah, it seems that the killing unarmed black youths by police officers has become a thing, and that is causing some social discontent. Quite honestly, this is so tragic, on so many levels, I simply can’t muster the energy to address it much less be snarky on the subject. One can only hope that we as a country can find a way to embrace our commonality of purpose and humanity, rather than clinging to our differences. Time will tell, I hope.
What has the GOP been up to since we were last together? That’s right they won an election. Well that’s nice, so now they get to lead, can’t wait to watch that train wreck unfold. That’s not until January, so before we get there let’s see what our current administration has provided.
Yesterday we took a look at what Iowa saw fit to send to the U.S. Senate, aka “The worlds greatest deliberative body”, Joni “porcine emasculator” Ernst.
In today’s addition we move down south to the “land of cotton”, where we meet the ironically named Tom Cotton (R-Bible belt Ark.). Tom seems like a nice southern boy, believing in a woman’s right to choose, what a man decides. He’s also quite comfortable with the LBGT community, as long as they stay in the closet, with the door locked, and it’s on fire.
Tom has the conventional mouth breathing GOP fixation on the 2nd Amendment, more guns everywhere, all the time, and for everyone. When the inevitable occurs, there being so many guns, and someone needs to go to the hospital, Tom thinks they should have their own insurance because Obamacare is unconstitutional. Though his thoughts on the fact that the ACA passed both houses of Congress before being signed into law have yet to be recorded.
Thus far Tom has shown himself to be just another example of a bigoted, slack-jawed, knuckle-dragging member of the Tea Party. Don’t be fooled my friends because there’s more. Where Tom really shines is when he reveals his Bible thumping christopathology. Seems Tom feels quite strongly that the idea of the separation of church and state is one he’d rather not recognize. Rather he believes that all laws should be reconciled with gods law. We’ll see how that works out for us, as I’ve said recently, welcome to The Republic of Dumbfuckistan.
Apologies to Judy Collins not simply for the bastardization of her song title, but also for the subject I’m applying it to today. Namely, one of the newly elected howler monkeys senators from the dumpster fire that is the Tea Party wing of God’s Own Party, the modern day GOP.
Here we meet noted hog botherer, Joni Ernst (R-Dumbfuckistan). That should have read Iowa, but really Iowa WTF?
Joni first attracted attention to her campaign when in an effort to explain to supporters her stand on government spending, she said, that because she had castrated hogs during her youth, she knew how to cut pork. One can only assume she choose to express herself in a language they would understand.
Anyway, Joni also opposes the debunked right wing myth of the UN’s agenda 21. She is soft on voter suppression. Feels strongly that raising the minimum wage will not improve the economy. Voted against Medicaid expansion in Iowa and she is open to privatizing social security.
There is more of course and most of it equally distressing. However, I did find one ray of sunshine and a possible explanation for that sordid pile of bullshit boiler plate GOP policy stands. Seems Joni did vote to legalize medical cannabis oil.
I’d like to think those other policy positions are the result of her being high and not handling her shit as well as she once handled hog testicles. Either way, I don’t see the public good being served by her any better than the hogs came out from their interaction.
 Don’t bother they’re here.
Yeah, yeah, I know old Joe Conrad might try to come at me in the hereafter over that title, but I’m betting our paths don’t cross, and anyway I’ve got more pressing concerns in the here and now. It seems that when I awoke Wednesday morning I was so far behind enemy lines it would have made Owen Wilson blush, which would be pretty cool if Gene Hackman was bringing the Marines to come rescue my happy liberal ass, but that ain’t happening. So, as it stands, it would seem that over the course of Tuesday a majority of my fellow Americans voted themselves into the Republic of Dumbfuckistan (h/t to Seahag), effectively stranding those of us that don’t watch Fox News while channeling Glenn Beck and Alex Jones through our fillings, and colonoscopy bags.
Imagine waking up in a version of Red Dawn and instead of Cubans (yeah, I’m showing my age) running loose, it’s the Republicans. Fortunately, they’ve been so giddy over their power windfall, they’ve yet to give much attention to the blues in their midst. I expect that to change, soon. Those of us that are out in the open look like someone spilled Viagra into the marinara. By next week, I expect to be going out only at night to forage for bourbon and cigarettes. I’ll be slipping this to Slappy, for editing, as soon as I get it in the toothpaste tube.
Until next time, here is a graphic of our new reality. I’m out there in that sea of red, reading David Kilcullen’s ‘The Accidental Guerrilla”.
Ok, I’m back. Where was I, you ask? Actually, right here all along, gazing in awe at the ginormous torrent of untreated sewage spewing forth from the GOP bullshit spigot with a mixture of fear and loathing.
In recent weeks, I’ve been so overwhelmed by the sheer mass of snarkable opportunities as to be paralyzed. So, I finally stepped away from the keyboard and sat my note pad down (yes, I write this stuff out first, I’m old so STFU) and enjoyed some quality family time. It is with renewed focus that I return to the pointless noble exercise of pointing out conservative dumbassery to the masses, ok, the four or five people that read these posts.
Today we shall sample the rightwing response to the ongoing Ebola situation, or “Let’s scare the shit out of the rubes and paranoid shut-ins.” First up, the blog’s old friend and single dumbest human ever elected to congress, Rep. Louie Ghomert (R, of course, TX). What does one of the intellectual pillars of the Tea Party have to offer? From the ThinkProgress article,
“Republican Congressman Louie Gohmert (TX) accused the federal government of waging a war on women in its effort to contain the Ebola virus, claiming that the Obama administration and the Centers for Disease Control is throwing female nurses “under the bus.””
Rep. Gohmert delivered that well considered assessment while appearing on, curiously human shaped turd, Glenn Beck’s radio show.He then doubled down on Fox propaganda News the next day.
“I mean, it is a war on these poor women nurses and they are doing the best they can.”
We will leave Rep. Gohmert, and the jabbering voices in his head, and move on to RightWingWatch.org, where they do the thankless job of exposing the most vile content spewed forth from the aforementioned GOP bullshit spigot. Here we find Bryan Fisher (no stranger to the blog) of the American Racist Homophobe Family Association, who had this to say of Shepard Smith, after Smith called out “the hysterical voices on the radio and the television” that are irresponsibly hyping fears of Ebola and causing panic.
“Shepard Smith is a card-carrying liberal,” Fischer explained. “He has been outed as an active homosexual, so he’s down with the entire homosexual agenda. People think he’s on Fox so he’s conservative. Anything but.”
“Why would he want to support President Obama?” Fischer asked, before playing Smith’s segment on the Ebola panic. “Because President Obama supports the homosexual agenda”
It’s always nice to see Christian love and compassion so clearly demonstrated by a member of the clergy. Over the radio. To avid like minded listeners.
Moving on, while the Fox News viewing audience either rechecks its Hazmat suit, for the eleventy hundredth time, or gets their bedpan changed at the nursing home, the rest of the country awaits cogent medical advice from the nation’s doctor, the Surgeon General. What’s that you say, there is no Surgeon General? Just how in the hell does that happen, and who is to blame? Let’s check-in with the fine folks at ThinkProgress again.
Oh, I see, I am sure there was some genuine flaw with the nominee that prevented his consideration for the post, right?
“Earlier this year, the NRA launched a campaign to derail Murthy’s nomination because he voiced support for expanding background checks for gun purchases. His comments that gun violence was a public health concern raised the ire of the gun lobby and conservative lawmakers despite the fact that every major medical association — and several former Surgeons General under Republican presidents — shared the same view.”
Jesus H. Christ in a petri dish, are you fucking kidding me? During one of the rare instances where having a sitting Surgeon General might actually be goddamn necessary, we don’t have one because the NRA and its GOP remoras in the senate got spooked by his feelings concerning something that kills 30K+ U.S. citizens a year?
We are well and truly screwed, I’m going to have a drink now and in two weeks I’m going to vote. You should do the same, or at least remember to vote.
